Sunday, April 08, 2007
i dunno where to start or how to even talk about it
i swear i'm weird and i prob talked about this before
believe it or not i feel like a dumbass tearing in front of my comp
i have frickkking no idea why
i have great parents
wonderful sister
friends and a guy who loves me so much
everyday he never fails to say the 3 simple words- i love u to me even thought i'm so guilty cuz i don't say that everyday
but i still feel so insecure
i feel like crap
i just cant stop my tears from falling and today is easter sunday
it's a joyous occasion but i'm not joyous at all
no peace in my heart
i feel useless cuz the feeling i have now is living as each day passes
now my whole basic theory book pg 8 is wet with tears
great.
i was just pondering about 3 things and that led me to this state
friendship
relationship
myself
friendship first.
i really don't have much friends as i used to have
i shut myself from them
i remember i use to have lots of calls almost everynight
chatting till 3am before i sleep
but sadly they were all guys
so much to the extent that i feel that i can connect much easier to guys than girls
but thats not the point
the point is had such great fun and company and talks in the past
but all is gone
no one calls anymore
i remember i had a girl whom i call my best friend in sec school, her name was doris
but somehow we drifted then it became melissa and she's in sp now studying polymer but we drifted too then went on to first 3 months and it became joyce and i was so glad i found her cuz she's so sweet and nice. we even babysitted kids together with tobias and benji but somehow she left too and then came sarah ong. loved talking to her and told her about my ex and all my sadness but soon it was gone too. Then i went to nafa and got into a clique, esther sharon and kihui but somehow sharon is in her own world, esther and kihui are tog leaving me alone
i dun really blame them sometimes, i guess i might be busy with shawn but still sometimes i just feel everything is so fake
it's like is there real love between friends
all the shit about being there for you, best friends forever.
screw it.
it doesnt really work that way.
maybe it does, but not for long.
i aint feeling lonely
i aint feeling sad for myself
i jus feel so confused cuz when i really need someone there for me, to hear my cries and talk
no one is there
sometimes the boyfriend cant be always by yourside
you just need this special friend
but i don't have one
it's like your other half, whether it be a girl or guy
a best friend
thats what i need
but it doesnt come by easily
only when effort is made and when 2 ppl are willing to work on it then can it come true
i really envy thsoe who have a best friend
treasure her/him(:
relationship
it hurts
yeahh its very sweet. shing was telling me he read my blog ther other time about my entry about shawn and he was so disgusted by it. HAHA. wait till ya get a gf my dear friend! HAHA! But yeah it's sweet but it doesnt last forever
all this sweet stuffs
i just wanna keep it in my heart and hopefully i will forget about the unhappy lot
the memories we have so far in ecp,taxi rides, neo prints, letters, events after events, mos, buy of hong kong serial dramas, one tree hilling, sleeping, eating, bball on fri, soccer match/mj on sat, bowling, out with his cousins, getting bullied by them and him not doing a single defense, quarrels, silent quarrels, cold wars, showing attitude, patch up with hugs, kisses, pepsi cola hand game, animal chess, my wait for him at arcades, playing piano for him, seeing his stupid face never fails to make me laugh, constant tugs, attempts to smell my armpit and faint(gross aye?but never succeeds), tickles, singing to all kind of songs, sitting on each other laps, talks on phone and msn, serious heart to heart chats, gazing at full moon but always fail to go ecp, buying chicken wings and never finishes them, hokkien mee our favourite, chicken chop another fav, late night supper maggi mee mostly cooked by me, frequent calls for mcdelivery fillet o fish upsize and my mcwing meal, watching tv, commenting on how ugly some local/taiwanese girls are, watching that 5566 variety show, reading blogs and he'll go not again!, playing wow or dota and i'll go not again!, fighting over msn with ah huat over rights of shawn(gf higher rank than wife!), walk home from kembangan mrt, holding of hands, buying of rings, received couple band from aunty annie(thanks auntie, thats really sweet(: ), cleaning of dear's room, bbqs and stayovers, haircuts and shopping, love smses and constant reminders/assurance and so much more. It's a whole list i cant continue but i shall stop here for now.
We've been almost a year together already and it's still going on strong
but of cuz there are time i feel so insecure, i'm weird really
i love inflicting pain and sadness to myself
it's like sadist
gawd.
silent quarrels and cold wars, i hate it i tell u
i keep tearing at night and sometimes i feel like giving up
sometimes i feel like falling in love again, with you dear
fall over and over again
but sometimes its so hard cuz our cold wars are so cold
somtiems i get so tired outt
sometimes i need to find a way back into love
i really wish you'll be there for me in the end
i wanna stop feeling sad
i wanna stop crying
whenever i tell you how i feel
i really hope ya would tell me how to do
if only sometimes u can understand how i really feel without me telling u
and i feel so guilty whenever i give ya the cold shoulder and not talk to u or when i didnt say i love u
but i really do, i know i really do
cuz if not i wont be even crying at the slightest thought of anything connected to u
cuz i'm so attached and attracted to u that i lost myself, somehow
myself
i'm a sadist and a dead idealist
i always fantasize, must be the influence of too much exposure to disney shows
but yeah i love love stories and novels
especially sad love stories that do not work out in the end
i can jus totally feel how each party feel
and it;s heart wrenching i tell u
and i can jus cry over an hour or so just by lsitening or watching the show
i always want my life/relationship to be perfect
i always expect the boyfriend to love me and no others
put me first place and every slight movement and action i take into consideration
i'm damn sensitive and insensitive too
sensitive to the boyfriend and insensitive to others
selfish is wat i am
but not totally cuz i remember time where i sacrifice money, food and time to make ppl happy or help them do their work.
I really dao
damn dao, ask ppl in nafa and they'll tell u that
but actually its jus the heavy moodswings i have and when i dun feel like talking or looking at ppl i'll jus walk straight, ignoring everyone beside me.
That way, ppl think i'm dao and proud or watsoever
but it's not its jus that i dun wish to speak much less smile at anyone.
i'm lazy and over confident.
i know i can not practice my piano but still a decent grade
my teacher always say i'm talented and getting an A or B is no prob but i just do
not wanna put my heart into it
dumb eh. result of over confidence+ bo chapness
that leads to the next point of me always wanting to find an easy way out
i inherited my dad's business mind and always am thinking of ways to earn money
i'm thinking of opening a music school in the near future with some friends but till then
i feel that i'm a contradict
it's like i'm loving yet not loving
sensitive yet insensitive
selfish yet sacrificial
motivated yet lazy
thats me
and that's why some love me and some dont
because they do not know which is the real me or which part is true
but though i consist of all these bad and good elements
it's all true
i'm loving to the boyfriend and friends but not loving to ppl i loathe
i'm sensitive to the boyfriend and friends i hold dear but not to losers
i'm selfish cuz i care about myself before others but i sacifice time for ppl i love
i'm motivated to do stuffs but after thinking or if i lose the momentum i'm like oh heck itt..
see this is what makes me
i only think of myself and my friends whom i feel are true the rest is nothing
i dont wanna be fake and say oh i love everyone
nope i dont
there is a clear line between love and hate
friends and acquaintance
now do u know who i am?
;
1:16:00 AM
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